I know it's been forever, but I'm boring

Happy holidays and stuff. I haven't been posting much because I can't seem to get knocked up and this blog is boring without something like that happening. At least I got an egg this month. But it totally shunned us. Little shit. I'll be trying again next week. Send baby wishes or something similar please.

All Types of Hell Are Breaking Loose

This is the second month in which no egg has displayed on my damn monitor. What gives? On top of that, I've been spotting for a couple of days. I went from having a completely regular cycle to being totally whacked out. I swear I won't be surprised if my ovaries suddenly drop and become testicals. Madness, I tell you. I've been horribly sick for about 2.5 weeks now. Travelling to Mexico for a week while sick was probably not a good idea under these circumstances (though it was darn fun). Maybe my body is sending me little warning signs. Chill the f*ck out already or we're lockin' the eggs up for good. I'll go lay down now just in case.

Cage-free eggs

No egg this month, so we're starting a new cycle today. I had a chat with the ovaries and have given them 13 days to either produce an egg or I'm turning things over to Cheney and Rumsfeld. Nothing like a little shock and awe to get things in order. I'll do whatever it takes. Why? Because I'm on a mission.

Where's my damn egg?

Excuse me, but I ordered an egg like 10 days ago...

It looks like I didn't ovulate this month. Mother Nature is a twat. I used like 20 of those damn expensive Clearblue sticks. For those fiscal conservatives, that's like $25. And for what? Lots of "Lows" followed by lots of "Highs" and no damn "Peaks" at all. What a rip. I'm told that it could be stress from the move (or other stuff), which is understandable. But, isn't that a little picky? I mean, if the egg isn't released, it's not like it gets to hang loose in the ovary for another month. It just dissolves. Or whatever. The egg had best show itself next month or I'm going in after it.

Delayed ovulation

My eggs are wimps. Apparently stress is preventing me from ovulating on time this month. I was hoping that it would radically change my schedule so that I wouldn't have to miss my next few attempts, but I'm not sure that I'll luck out. We'll see.

No one pissed me off today

No one pissed me off today because: a) I stayed home most of the day, and 2) The Red Sox didn't play. I got a "high" reading on my fertility monitor. So, at this point, it needs to stay "High" and not go to "Peak" until my co-parent gets back from his trip. We shall see.

I'm annoyed

I'm annoyed today. First, for the first time that I ever recall, ovulation is delayed. It could be stress-related because I just moved across the country. But I'm pissed because I can't try the next two cycles because of scheduling problems. Second, everyone is getting on my damn nerves. And, no, it's not PMS. It's because people suck. Follow...

I just moved into a new apartment where I had to pay a $1200 deposit. Two days later, my first month's rent was due. I paid promptly, placing the envelope directly into a slot in the office door that read "Rent Drop." Two days later, I received a note on my door from an attorney on behalf of the complex telling me that they were starting eviction procedures. Long story short, they lost my envelope somehow. But wouldn't you double-check with a new tenant before sending a mean note. (And this is a fancy complex.)

Second data point: I walked by to check my mail today, and the mailman was there filling up mailboxes. I said "Oh, I'll come back." And he asks me, "Are you new?" I said, "Yes. " Then he hands me a flyer and says "You must not have gotten one of these." The flyer reads, "Please don't interrupt the mailman when he's filling the mailboxes." Passive aggressive, maybe? Had I not been so taken aback, I would have returned a stinging response. F*cker. Instead, I said, "Well, I'll leave so you don't go...oh, nevermind." I think he didn't catch that though.

Third data point: I got a statement from my old apartment complex notifying me that my $600 deposit EXACTLY covered all of the "repair" and "cleaning" work they had to do when we moved out. I will never spend a full day cleaning the floor on my hands and knees to get a deposit back. I will also never rent a steam cleaner (twice) during my last two weeks to make sure the carpet is in top condition. I think they planned to keep the whole amount the whole time. F*ckers.

I'm out of patience for the rest of the day. I'm not taking anymore shit from anyone--especially until I see a big ol fat egg on my fertility monitor. And, the Red Sox better win today too.

Dang luteal phase change

I'm not pregnant. My luteal phase increased to the average 14 days. So, I wasn't really a day late. I was a dollar short. (Sorry.) It was sooooo close though. Mother Nature is one wicked beyotch.

This is scary

Okay, I'm scared. I'm at 13 dpo, and my average luteal phase is 12 days. Either my average is wrong and my cycle is trying to become normal (14 days is a "normal" luteal phase), or I'm pregnant. I really don't feel pregnant though. First, I took a preg test yesterday and it was negative. Also, my breasts don't hurt at all (which is strange because they usually do before I start my period). I know my temps will come crashing down tomorrow and I'll start my period immediately. But coming this close is just brutal.

I'm 8 DPO

I'm at 8 DPO (that's days passed ovulation). Fascinating, huh? It sucks when you crave beer and you don't know if you're allowed to have it. I guess I'll skip it for now. I'm like 7 8-oz glasses of water shy for the day, anyway.

I'm thinking that one day they'll have pregnancy tests that work, like, the next day. That would be so nice. Some people say they know exactly when they conceived, but I think they're full of shit. First, it takes hours for the sperm to reach the egg. Second, so you feel cells dividing? What was that? Oh, I just felt my skin growing. Nope, I don't think so.

This blog must be so boring: Oh, I'm trying to conceive today. Oh, I'm waiting to see if I conceived today. I'll try to throw in some excitement soon. I'm going to Idaho and Montana for a few days and will probably do a pregancy test there (if it makes sense to). It would be cool to find out that you're knocked up while on a road trip. We'll see...

Round 3 Has Begun

I just finished Round 3 of insemination attempts. I'm now entering that two week period where I make up excuses to overeat and not exercise (baby needs food; don't hurt the baby by bouncing around). Somehow, though, the baby needs beer. Go figure. Now don't think I'm terrible. You can drink a beer before implantation. The cell is just dividing (if it's fertilized).

Positive Thoughts

I feel terrible watching the news and seeing people who are stranded in New Orleans--especially the old people and the people with babies. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I wasn't able to get food or water for my parents or child during a crisis like that. It's just awful. So, today, I feel it would be obnoxious to talk about wanting to have a baby. I think I'll spend my positive thoughts/hopes on other people today.

Let's Go Already!

I've got severe PMS and am frustrated about the wait. I know it's gunna start, so start already.

By the way, I refuse to refer to my period as Aunt Flow (or AF as they call it in the Fertility message boards). That's gross. The people on message boards also call semen and the act of having sex (or insemination) "baby dust." Um, no. I do not need to start using cute words to describe reproduction. No wonder so many couples experience stress while trying to conceive--everything suddenly gets either very clinical or way too cute. (I go for clinical.) After this baby exercise, I'm going to have to go back to using this area of my body for fun; that won't be possible if all I can think about is little angels spreading fairy dust when I'm getting my groove on.

So, what was I saying. Oh, yeah. Let's get going. I'm ready to start on month #3.

Temp Dropped :-(

Oh, my temp dropped today, which means that I will probably start my period in a couple of days. Gearing up for next month...

No News Is No News

I'm still in that dreaded two-weeks-passed-ovulation period. This month, I don't feel pregnant at all. In fact, I'm craving chocolate and I'm kinda irritable, so I think that means I'm having PMS. Four more days until I know for sure...

Starting Week Two - Again

This Sunday marks the start of Week 2 of waiting. I did much better during my Week 1 this time because I forced myself to chill out a bit. The second week is the hardest though. I hope it goes by quickly.

I have no business being a parent

While organizing my files today, I found my prescription receipt for some eye drops from last year. I totally forgot that I had conjunctivitis. Imagine my horror when I discovered that for the past two weeks, I've been giving my cats MY eye drops; not her's. Nice. I apparently can't tell the difference between human and feline meds. I'll probably accidentally have my infant declawed.

Poor Boo

The Litter Robot is doing an amazing job. I don't have to touch anything anymore and there's zero smell. It's definitely going to be worth the $350. I took my female cat to the doctor today because her chronic conjunctivitis has been acting up and the poor thing looks like she's in pain. I didn't want to leave her for a week (with the pet sitter visiting) with sad, red eyes. Anyway, the Russian doctor kept saying "You want blood tests? If she dies, we might want tests." I was horrified until I figure out that he was actually saying "You want blood tests? If it's these eyes, we might want tests." Good God, that was scary. But then he asked me what pet litter I was using then rushed behind a door and came back in a few seconds later holding some litter. Holding it in one hand, he picked it up with the other and dropped it to demonstrate that it creates some dust. Then he proceeded to tell me to use regular torn up paper instead of litter. Oh, sure. How about if I just lay paper around my apartment and train the cats to shit anywhere they'd like. Oh, darn, Boo shat on my IDC report. Oh, heck, Boo shat on my tax returns. Um. No. I won't be training the cats to go on paper. Besides, I just bought a $350 litter box that holds litter, not shredded documents. Boo can deal with dust like the rest of us.

No luck this month

No success this month. But I'm now equipped with FertilAid and Evening Primrose Oil supplements, so I'm prepared for next month.

The second I found out that I wasn't pregnant, I had a big ol' cup of coffee. Later in the day (yes, the day), I polished off a glass of scotch. Ah, to be alive again. But, then I immediately crashed for a two hour nap, which killed my sleep schedule. I got up at 3 in the morning and watched two hours of Celebrity Poker on tv as I sipped chamomile tea. For those keeping track, that's coffee, followed by scotch, followed by herbal tea. And I wonder why my eggs are making a mad dash for the exit.

One Week Left

So I have a week left before I can test accurately. To translate, that = forever. My temps are nutty, so I have no idea what's going on. I'm trying to keep myself busy with other things. What I need to be doing is getting organized for my move. I think I'll start the PurgeFest 2005 tomorrow. There's so much crap to throw out. But I've got to have huge blocks of time so I can reminisce over each little thing. Should be fun.

Frist just cut his umbilical cord, so that should make for good tv. It's about time someone said, "Okay. That's it. I won't be able to get a job after this if I don't speak up now." Good boy.

My sister is stunned that I haven't told my father that I'm trying to conceive a child. (Backstory: I'm single and my dad is very Catholic.) I explained that when you tell people like this, the first thing out of their mouth is usually, "Have you thought about...". Yes, people, I've thought about everything. I didn't wake up today and say, "Hmmm....nothing planned for today except a trip to Target. I should have a baby with my dear friend from high school." I'll skip the other silly questions for now, but everyone always feels like they need to cast a vote/offer their opinion/give me warnings. So, why tell people who you never plan to accept a vote/opinion/warning from? I've already passed the idea through the people in my life who know me the best and are the most likely to understand why I'm doing it. I've got 100% support there. It seems disrepectful to people like my dad to tell them then cut them off before they can respond in the only way they know how to. So, he can wait until my fourth month.

Watching the Days Pass

I'm supposed to stop thinking about whether I'm pregnant or not because: 1) chances are, I'm not, and 2) it causes stress. But it's distracting to feel weird and not know what it's about. Weird symptoms include cramping, pangs of pain in my left breast (only), and the thought of chocolate makes me sick. Now something ain't right. Chocolate and I have been close friends for years.

I feel fat and should go walk on the treadmill, but I'm too tired. I feel jet lagged. Maybe it's cuz I flew yesterday. But that wasn't a jet; it was some tiny prop plane. So, maybe I have prop pain.

What did I use to do before I was trying to get pregnant? Read more tech pubs? Watch more tv? Do more billable work? All of the above?

Weirdness

I've been cramping for two days. It feels very different than "normal" cramps. I have no idea if this means anything, but I'm trying not to think about it.

Health Care for Us All?

So, I'm passing the time while I wait until the 3rd. I found out yesterday that I was declined for health insurance because I have Asthma and Bronchitis. I have never gone to the emergency room for either one. Heck, I never go to the doctor. I wish the insurance companies had a way to look at my medical records (with my approval, of course) so they could see that I never visit the doctor when I'm sick. I wait until I know I can't shake it on my own---maybe once every three years? Then there are people like my sister who bump their head on their pillow and head straight over for an MRI. She gets insurance. I can't. So I wheeze a little more than everyone else. Big deal. Planning a child when I have no insurance whatsoever is quite scary. But I can't let these wankers hold me up.

Waiting to See

Okay, so I made my first attempts at conception on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I'm using a fertility monitor, so I hope it's accurate. I've convinced myself that it couldn't possibly work the first time (or set of times). My sister insists that our fertile genes will kick in for me. We shall see. For now, I have to wait. And wait. In about 12 days, I'll either be very excited or convinced I'm barren.

The Human Body Is Just Gross

I got a great book yesterday called "Taking Charge of Your Fertility." It's very interesting. I'm learning much more about my body. In fact, I've learned that it's basically just gross. I should have just gotten knocked up during my college years so I could have avoided topics like "cervical fluid" altogether.

The book is, however, very useful. And I recommend it. I'd link to it but I'm too lazy cuz I just had two martinis with my friends. I'll link to it later. I have to go to bed soon so I can wake up and pee on a stick and check my temp. This is my life now. The kid better be smart and cute.

Bitchin' Solution to Litter Box Issues

I know you're not supposed to clean a litter box when you're pregnant, but what if you're single and have no one to do it for you? My male cat was too...er...productive to use the LitterMaid we bought years ago, and I ended up throwing it away. So, I thought my only option was to pay a pet sitter $20/visit to change the box when I became unable to do so.

Then I found this Litter-Robot, and I'm ordering one immediately!

I'm driving myself nuts

Yesterday I decided that my body was not sufficiently prepared for procreation, so I did some research online and headed to the health store. Mr. Health Helper warned me that I couldn't just take anything on its own because vitamins and herbs require "complex combinations." Whatev. So I accepted his assistance. Due to a "long day at the store," he needed to refer to his computer to make a recommendation. Um, that sounds familiar. So he did and returned to recommend B vitamins. Duh. So, I referred again to my list and he started making recommendations. I left with $50 worth of stuff I couldn't pronounce and promptly took it. Later, I looked it up on the Web. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that stuff he gave me for circulation causes miscarriages. Nice!

So, now I'm so freaked out that I took some a week before trying to conceive that I ordered a pizza and ate some M&M's while waiting for the pizza dude to arrive. I'm gunna be pissed if I'm barren.

Oh, I forgot the best part...

It also includes a speculum. That'll be interesting...

Got The Kit

The home insemination kit arrived from NW Andrology today. Said kit contains collection cups, syringes, catheters, pipets, soft cups, and...um...two Lifesaver Creme Savers. I guess they threw those last two items in to drive up the romance quotient. Or, it's a sick joke (which I would love them for).